Here at All Tomorrow’s Concerts, we’re developing delusions of grandeur: with our newly-minted domain name on the way and readership skyrocketing into – good golly!- the tens, we can barely contain our vanity and sense of self-satisfaction.

Just the other day, we caught Bondy gazing at his reflection in an HMV shop window, chanting the mantra “I AM rock reincarnate”, while calling upon the powers of Jim Morrison to aid him in seducing the world’s collective ears. Ludwik’s been practicing answering his phone in a fake British accent, complete with pompous British slang, already anticipating the flood of congratulatory phone calls he will receive when ATC becomes the number-one site in Canada. And Natalia’s been seen at magazine stands all over Toronto, pasting copies of her reviews onto the pages of Spin’s latest issue (and pasting photos of herself onto the cover). Joey, on the other hand, has realized his newfound potential as a fashion icon, and has invested in yet another flashy grandpa sweater.

Being as fabulous as we all are, we’re certain that you readers are just clamorin’ to get your hands on the more intimate details of each of our lives. And, being as generous as we all are (read: Heather promised and then subsequently forgot to pen this month’s feature), we’ve decided to let you in on a few of our more guarded secrets: our respective turn-ons, neuroses, and – perhaps most importantly– how we all came to this crazy institution.

Ludwik’s story is a sad tale, originating in the quiet prairie town of Wawanesa, Manitoba. Having mistaken a poorly-placed birthmark as the sign of the devil, his Métis parents abandoned him in the forest near their humble shack. However, unbeknownst to his parents, the infant Ludwik was then discovered and raised by a pack of wolves.

Years later, Ludwik was reintroduced into civilization when a band of Danish wolf poachers attacked his den. The poachers killed his wolf family, and sold Ludwik into slavery with a travelling circus in their home country. It was many years of hard labour before the ringmaster granted Ludwik his freedom, at which point Ludwik became associated with the Denmark pop underground, eventually becoming a roadie for Aqua.

Aqua’s North American tour brought Ludwik back to his native Canada, where he remains to this day.

He currently attends the University of Waterloo, obtaining his master’s degree in Skullduggery.

Heather was born the youngest of twelve princesses in the Royal Family of Spain. Raised entirely by maids, butlers, visiting scholars and court jesters, she never knew the joys of childhood such as slumber parties, pool parties, or telling your enemies, “I’m not inviting you to my birthday party!” Instead, she learned the ways of upper echelon society, albeit always from a second–hand perspective. By the time it was her turn to take part in any social tradition or event, the novelty of it all had been lost, after observing her sisters for her entire life.

Heather saw that her life would be nothing but unending tedium, so she orchestrated her own kidnapping by an extreme group of Basque separatists on the eve of her thirteenth birthday. Although this effectively cured her boredom, the rebels were dead set upon killing her if their demands were not met. Had it not been for an escaped beaver from the local zoo with a severe need to dull its teeth, Heather may never have cut through her bindings and escaped from her captors.

As a reward for its deed, Heather brought the beaver back to its native land of Canada, where it proceeded to build a dam and flood a third of Algonquin Provincial Park. As for Heather, she found Canada adequately exciting and started her new life there.

Heather is currently studying Boobery and Other Forms of Social Disturbance at the University of Windsor.

Natalia hails from Puce, Ontario - a one-road, one-syllable town whose only claim to fame is a tiny but thriving Mennonite community. She was born the only daughter of two assiduous Mennonite farmers, who instilled in her the value of a hard day’s labour.

One evening, while toiling in the fields, Natalia saw a mysterious light in the sky, moving quickly towards her. It was an alien spacecraft, and it abducted her as a conscripted soldier to help fight in an intergalactic war. Natalia, not knowing what else to do, fought bravely, losing an arm in battle. Her courage was rewarded with a Purple Bligsnok, and her lost, substandard arm of flesh was replaced with a robotic one.

When Natalia returned to Puce days later, she knew that she could never tell her tale to her community without being burned as a witch. So, she packed her bags and left for Toronto in search of unskilled work.

Once in Toronto, she sold the curious Purple Bligsnok to an antiques dealer, and with the money she reaped, decided to pursue higher education. Natalia is currently at Ryerson University, majoring in General Oddities.

Once the lead singer of an elite Shakespearean grindcore band, Andrew is no stranger to fame and fortune. Noted as one of the key players in the early grind movement, Andrew’s works were well-received by both critics and fans. Garnering a massive following whose dedication was often compared to that of Jerry Garcia’s deadheads, Andrew’s unique stage antics worked to make the band a touring force to be reckoned with.

The band became more and more sought after, and venues had difficulty complying with the band’s increasingly demanding rider. When a certain concert hall failed to have Andrew’s velvet catsuit starched just so, Andrew lost control, unleashing his fury by killing three-quarters of the audience and two roadies.

After being mutinized by his bandmates, Andrew fled the country and eventually settled in Windsor, hoping to recreate his image for a sudden solo comeback tour in the unspecified future.

Andrew attends the University of Windsor, working on a double-major in Social Engineering and Gibberish Studies.

Educated at the finest of private schools on the Eastern Seaboard, Joey always knew that he was destined for greatness. Ambition manifesting at a young age, he had originally planned to join a task force of missionaries in Botswana, converting heathens and striking down opposition where found. However, Joey’s life plan was taken off course when he discovered that his dashing good looks and stunning physique could land him a modeling career.

Through dozens of advertisements for tube socks and hunting gear, Joey garnered B-list celebrity status. A paparazzi darling, Joey never strayed far from the party scene, drowning his inner pain in prescription drugs and smack.

Joey’s rash lifestyle eventually led to an OD, and after waking from a month-long coma, he swore to find God. A chance meeting with Richard Gere outside of a New York strip joint lead to Joey’s eventual conversion to Buddhism.

Seeking refuge from his wild days of haberdashery, and vowing never to suck tequila from a shot girl’s navel again, Joey turned his vision northward, and found himself in London, Ontario. He currently studies at Fanshawe College, attaining a diploma in Ruckus Management.